Funny Stuff

How bad is the economy, really?

The economy is so bad that African television stations are showing ‘Sponsor an American Child’ commercials!

The economy is so bad, a picture is now only worth 200 words.

It’s so bad, Snoop Dogg had to start eating regular brownies.

The economy is so bad, I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.

The economy is so bad, I went to my bank the other day and the teller handed me a note saying, “This is a robbery!”

 

The economy is so bad, George W. Bush appeared in a flight suit and declared economic recovery was complete.
The economy is so bad, Bill Gates had to switch to dial up.

The economy is so bad, Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad, Dr. Seuss rose from the grave to write a new book: Green Eggs and Spam.

The economy is so bad that I went to my bank to get a loan, they said, “What a coincidence! That’s just what we were going to ask you!”
The economy is so bad, rapper 50 Cent had to change his name to 10 Cent.

The economy is so bad, Barack Obama changed his slogan to “Maybe We Can!”

The economy is so bad, my ATM gave me an IOU!

The economy is so bad that the highest-paying job in town is jury duty.

The economy is so bad I saw a man in Costco buying one roll of toilet paper.

The economy is so bad that I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border to Mexico.

The economy is so bad, I became a Pastafarian hoping that a meatball will appear to me.
The economy is so bad that parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.

The economy is so bad that even people who aren’t in Barack Obama’s cabinet aren’t paying taxes.

The economy is so bad I saw a polygamist with only one wife.

The economy is so bad that I saw someone using the sun to get a tan!

 

The economy is so bad that wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.

 

The economy is so bad, I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.

 

The economy is so bad, Hot Wheels stock is trading higher than GM.

 

The economy is so bad, Obama met with three small businesses to discuss his Stimulus Plan: GM, Pfizer, and Citigroup.

 

It’s so bad, McDonalds is introducing the 1/4-Ouncer.

 

The economy’s so bad, Exxon-Mobil  laid off 25 Congressmen.

 

The economy is so bad, mothers in Ethiopia are telling their children, “Finish your meal! Don’t you know there are starving children in the US?”

 

The economy is so bad, that a prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.

 

It’s so bad, a stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

 

The economy is so bad, that Martha Stewart did a show on creative uses for food stamps.

 

The economy is so bad, Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

 

The economy is so bad, my sister had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

 

The economy is so bad, that I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

 

It’s so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

 

The economy is so bad, hobos in Beverly Hills now have to drink tap water.

 

The economy is so bad, Barack Obama unveiled his plan to close Guantanamo Bay for good: He’s turning it into a bank!

 

The economy is so bad, that the White House turkey turned down his Thanksgiving pardon– all his wealth was in stocks, and he has nothing to live for.

 

The economy is so bad, Sarah Palin is only shooting moose for food, not for fun.

 

It’s so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

 

The economy is so bad, my niece told me she wants to dress up as a 401-K for Halloween so that she can turn invisible.

 

The economy is so bad, that instead of a coin toss at the beginning of the Super Bowl, they played “Rock, Paper, Scissors.”

 

The economy is so bad that Roy’s tigers are now eating him out of necessity.

 

The economy is so bad, the Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

 

It’s so bad, they built an Indian reservation on a casino.

 

The economy is so bad, people are standing behind George Bush wherever he goes hoping for free shoes.

 

The economy is so bad, Michael Phelps has to share a bong.

 

The economy is so bad that when Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

 

The economy is so bad, a certain celebutante changed her name to “Paris Holiday Inn.”

 

The economy is so bad, Malia and Sasha Obama started a lemonade stand to raise money for bailouts.

 

It’s so bad, the Lone Ranger sold his silver bullets on Ebay.

 

The economy is so bad that 7 of 10 houses on Sesame Street are in foreclosure.

 

The economy is so bad that the only company hiring this week is the one that sends people to scrape bankers off the sidewalk on Wall Street.

 

It’s so bad, they renamed Wall Street “Wal-Mart Street.”

 

The economy is so bad, Angelina had to adopt a highway.

 

The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market – Jay Leno

. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street – Jay Leno

3.. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker . The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker ? -A tie

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it – Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar – Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush’s copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures -Jay Leno

9. President Bush’s response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21. – Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped ‘insufficient funds’. I won’t know whether that refers to mine or the bank’s.

 

New Stock Market Terms

CEO –Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves..

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.