Podcast – Episode 155 – The Real Reason Your Wife Doesn’t Want You Trading

Podcast Transcript

The real reason your wife doesn’t want you trading, that’s what we’re going to talk about today. So I have actually figured it out. And I will share with you the reasons, as well as what you can do about it so that your wife not only does not fight with you about your trading but actually encourages you to do so. Now, before I start this episode, this might be one that you want to listen to alongside your spouse because it just might help, right might start some dialogue between the two of you, and if this is something that you are having issues with. And, you know, although I said wives in the intro, and in the title, this is for all spouses, it works both ways.

You know, normally, in what we’ve come across, as we’ve seen men trading and wives, having an issue with the trading, or you could be the other way you could be a wife trading, and the husband has an issue, or one spouse has an issue with the other spouse trading. So that’s what we’re going to talk about today. Hopefully, I don’t want to offend anybody. But that’s what we’re gonna talk about today. And like I said, if you can get your spouse to watch or listen to this with you, it might actually help you, especially if you had a problem with this now. I keep hearing this over and over again, from traders, like, Allen, how do I convince my wife to let me trade or at least to stop nagging me about my trading? Right? And I’m with you guys, right? I mean, with most things, I have no clue what my wife means. Unless she very clearly lays it out for me, because even though she expects me to I still, after even all these years, I still cannot read her mind. So I was thinking about this question, and we were on a drive, we were going on vacation to Colorado. So we had a lot of time in the car. So I turned to my wife and I asked her this. I’m like, Hey, this is a problem a lot of guys have, how do we fix it? What do I tell them what to do? And as soon as I told her this, she looked at me, like dumbfounded. She looked at me. And this is what she said, she goes, Don’t you remember what it was like when you first started trading? I had to walk around eggshells around you. I would come home one day after work. And you would be all depressed and moping around and sad. And I’d ask you will happen? Well, why he’s so down what happened? And you would say, “Well, the market was down today”, and you lost money. Whoo hoo hoo. So the next day, because I didn’t want to recap of that, right? The next day, I would check the market before I got home. And I would expect you to be happy because the market was up that day. But ah, no, I get home. And what do I find? I find you my faithful husband moping around sad again. And it was totally confusing. That’s what happened? The market is up today I checked, and the market is up. Why are you still sad? And you would tell me “Well, baby, I adjusted my trade. I was going to be smart about it. And I just did like a real trader. And now I want the market to go down. But because it went up again, I lost even more money”. She said she couldn’t even tell me anything. Like she couldn’t help me. She couldn’t get mad at me. Because I was already so sad about it all the time. How do you jump on somebody who’s messing up and feeling bad, and you just like you gave losing more money? She said that it consumed me that I was horrible to be around and that she never knew what she would get when she got home from work. Especially after a long day of work. She said that she needed somebody to talk to to commensurate with, right? She had a long day she wanted to talk to me. She wanted to talk to her partner. But she couldn’t. Because I was upset. I was stressed out. And she says that I’d be watching those stupid stock shows with the crazy bald guy that kept screaming all the time. Yes, that is true. I used to watch that show every night when I was losing money. And I think I stopped and I started making money. I don’t know if that’s related or not. But that’s a different story. And then after all that, then she let me in on a little secret. She goes, look, it’s really simple.

One of the main things that a woman wants is security. She wants to know that her man will take care of things and that he has them under control so that we won’t be homeless or even have the power turned off. Right. That’s what a woman wants. That’s basic. Every woman wants that. And when you’re losing money left and right, she says I don’t feel very secure. Does that make sense? I was like, Yeah, that makes a lot. And as you get going on she’s like Secondly, a woman does not want her man to be taken advantage of she goes, how many silly courses and videos did you watch thinking you’re going to find the secret as if they’re going to sell you a secret, right? As if there are any secrets, you kept thinking that the next course. So the next guru had all the answers. So you would get your hopes up, you’d get all excited. And then your hopes would be dashed when it didn’t work out, and you just lost more money. Because you were just too emotionally involved. And lastly, every woman wants her man to feel good about himself. And when you were learning how to trade, you just took it too, personally, if you lost money, she says, I would degrade myself. He says I was putting myself down after every trade every bad day, I would call myself stupid. And she said it was just too painful to watch, and that she didn’t even know how to help me, and that it broke her heart. So I guess we’re looking at as traders, from our point of view, you know, this is something I’m trying to accomplish this is something that is really hard. This is something I’m learning. And with every trade, I’m learning more, even though you know, I’m paying my dues, I’m paying the tuition. But when you flip it, and you look at it from their point of view, it makes a lot of sense.

My wife says, Look, I didn’t care that you were trading, as long as you are happy and not breaking any laws. She says I don’t care how you’re earning money. In fact, I want you to do well, I want you to do amazingly well. So yes, women want their independence. But they also want to have the ability to not work if they don’t want to. She said we don’t want to worry about money. So we want you full to be successful in trading. It’s not that we don’t want you to be successful in trading. But you’re just not. So it’s hurtful. So there you have it, right? The problem is not that your wife, at least for most of you. Not that your wife disagrees with trading. The problem is that you are not consistent in your trading. And then once I did get consistent, once I got a better handle on my emotions, my wife started having fewer and fewer issues with my trading. And now she’s my number one supporter. So there are times I go home and I’m stressed and I’m down and she’ll figure it out. You know what happened, something bad happened. I’m like, Yeah, I lost money on this trade. And she will make me feel better. She’ll make my favorite food, she’ll do whatever. But it’s not every day. And you know, so that’s why she can help me when it happens once in a while. She’s not shell-shocked anymore. And she’s not confused about what’s going on anymore. Right? So how do we get your spouse on your side? Well, I got some tips for you. All right. So number one, don’t keep them in the dark. This is simple, right? You share your results with them, you’ll be open and honest with them don’t hide things from that you share the wins. And the losses, this is important, you got to share both.

Okay. Number two, you focus less on making money. Right? This is counterintuitive. Don’t focus on making money. But focus on not losing money. And I tell this to everybody in the beginning, like in the beginning, when you take any of my courses, I want you not I don’t care if you don’t make money, I want you to be consistent. I want you to say yeah, this is my result, result result result, I don’t want you going shooting for the moon, I want you to just not to lose money. Because once you become consistent, once you have wins after win after wins and you’re positive month after month after month. We can just tweak it a little bit. And then you can have the big month. Okay. What scares your spouse are the wild swings in your account, the roller coaster, right where you’re doing well, well, well.

What your spouse wants to see is a consistent increase in the account no matter how small why? Because that is what normal people, non-trading people. That is what they’re taught to expect, right? You put your money in a mutual fund was supposed to do it’s supposed to go up every month, and little by little it’s supposed to go up. If your mutual fund was going up or not like this, people will not be interested in that mutual fund. Right. They’re expecting things to go up. Yes, slowly, slowly, slowly, but they’re expecting it to go up and that’s what your spouse is expecting of your trading account. Even though that’s not usually what happens in the beginning, right? So make sure that you have consistent winners, or at least don’t lose money, just don’t lose, right? I know that’s harder, it’s hard. But you don’t want to be shooting for the moon, you want consistent results, and that is what’s going to help your spouse.

Number three, if you are considering a course, or coaching, or something of that nature, let your spouse see all the sales material as well as let her watch the webinar, let her watch the video, let whatever even makes sense to her, get their buy-in, because you’re spending money on this thing they’re going to spend is coming out of their pocket do, right, get their buy-in, see if it makes sense to them.

Number four, if your spouse is willing, learn together, do it together, and watch the courses together. Now, understand her thinking is different from your thinking. Okay, but it is possible to work together. Now, you might not want to do it in the same account, you have your account, she has her account, you’re going to do different trades, you’re gonna have a different mentality. But even if it’s the same strategy that you’re using, right, you guys can do it together, even though the trades would be different, even if the strategy is the same, because one is more conservative. One is more resin, blah, blah, blah, right? I don’t I’m not saying that you guys should be doing every single trade together in the same account where both of you have to say yes, on the trade. I mean, that’s something beyond this conversation. Okay?

Number five, keep your trading emotions away from the rest of your life. Now, this is hard. But don’t let your trading dominate your life. Okay. And that’s why I love passive trading because it doesn’t take all day long. It doesn’t take most of the day, you know, you learn it, you put it on their strategies that just work. And they don’t take all day so that you have a life so that your spouse sees you doing other things. So you can do things that make you happy, like your hobbies, right? You can have a job, you if your job, you’re not worried about it, you’re not stressed at your job all the time because of your trades. Okay, that’s one of the beauties of passive trading and why I keep pushing people Oh, passive trading, passive trading, right? If there was something else out there, that was better, I’d be like, go go do that, go do that. Let’s all do it together, right? But there isn’t, I haven’t found it. This stuff works. And it works in a way for you to not only make money, when a lot of trades, be happy but have a good life. Okay, now, controlling your emotions, right, not letting the market control all of your feelings. This is hard, and it takes time. But once you have more confidence in your trading, your spouse will feel that confidence you will emanate a different energy out of your body. Once you’re having more confidence, your spouse will feel that and then they will not freak out as much. Okay?

Nowadays, if the markets are up markets down, my wife cannot tell from my behavior. Unless it was a really bad day, a lot of trades went bad, or a big drain that I was looking at, or something I really wanted to happen. It didn’t happen. But on normal days, she cannot tell in the past. She could because I would be losing money every day. So she’d rely on the markets crazy today or might get Margaret was crazy a lot like that. That’s what I keep telling her I’m Mark is crazy markets, volatile markets up markets down. It’s like every day was bad. But now I have my emotions and my feelings under control. So the market is up. Great. I know what to do. the market is down. That’s great. I know what to do. I know how to adjust my trades, right? I know how to fix them. I know how to balance them. I know how to do asset allocation so that it’s not going to blow up my whole account. Even though I trade for a living. It’s okay. Right? You’ll get to that point. And now when I go home, it doesn’t know what the market did unless she looks it up. Because I’m happy or sad has nothing to do with the market. Usually. Usually, right? It’s still stressful. It can be but usually, okay.

And then I have a bonus tip number six in the beginning as you start making money, right? Use that money to buy things that your spouse would appreciate. This is kind of like I would say a bribe, but it’s not really a bribe, right? Because you’re already doing it. And it’s working. So you’re doing the trades. It’s starting to work. You’re starting to get results. The account is growing. So I don’t care what it is flowers, maybe something simple like that. It could be a weekend getaway could be something nice something small. I’m talking about small things, not about buying a car, right? I’m talking about, okay, you made a couple 100 bucks, great. Use it, to do something to appreciate your spouse, something that they would like, so that she can see. Right? She can see oh, wow, something’s happening here, right? And share in the benefits of your trading. Just don’t keep all the money in your account thinking I needed to grow. I needed to grow. No, no, no. celebrate the wins with your spouse. Okay, now, when I learned this lesson is a big lesson.

Believe me, it doesn’t sound like much. But this is a big lesson to celebrate your wins. So when I first learned this, I decided you know what, every time I have a positive month, I’m going to take my wife out for lunch. And that’s what we used to do. Every month. If I made money that month, I would take her out to lunch. So we would go out to lunch, but a bit, right. That was assigned to her that I was doing well. So I didn’t have to tell her Oh, I was up 6%. I was up 15% I was up point oh, 1%. I didn’t have to tell her the percentage. I just had to say, babe, we gotta go for our celebratory lunch, had a good month, let’s go, we’re gonna go eat. And it would make her happy. Because I did well, I was positive, right? And it helped me to celebrate my hard work. Because I got to do something that I enjoy, which is spending time with her one on one. She enjoys it, I enjoy it. She’s seeing that, hey, something is happening here. Good results are happening here. Good things are happening. She didn’t like ask all 100 questions like How much money do you make and how many trades you do and what prevented blah, blah, blah. After a while she stopped. She was like, okay, you know what I trust you. I’m seeing consistency, I’m seeing results, I’m seeing that you’re having a better control over your emotions and your your discipline and and you know, the way you the way you talk and the way you feel and how angry you get you don’t get as angry anymore. I’m seeing this. And I’m happy that you’re better. Right. Now, I don’t know why we stopped. I think we stopped having the lunch when we had kids need to start that again. Because it is it’s a big deal to celebrate the wins.

All right. So there you have it, you got the three main reasons your wife does not support your trading. And you have six steps to help her do so. Alright, I hope this was helpful. I hope if you’re watching it together, you guys can talk about it. Maybe I missed something. Or maybe there’s more to it that you guys can discuss and talk about. And that’s the only way to have some open communication. And to get this because trading is an amazing, amazing way in if you’re the spouse, I’m telling you right now, let your files let your husband trade. Let him do passive trading, okay, not the other stuff that day trading and the crypto and all that stuff you don’t know about that stuff. All right, I can’t speak to that. But I can speak to passive trading. And we can show your results that it’s working, we can show you results from students that are working, we have a hedge fund where it’s working. So we are doing it, we back up our talk with our walk.

And if we can do it, if I can do it, your husband, your wife, your spouse can learn it too. And it’s only a matter of time and effort. So if you support them in their trading, it takes one big whoosh off and our wishes but our wishes like the stress level right, it takes one more thing off of their mind where they don’t have to worry about it. And that makes them better traders.

Because they don’t have to be afraid of you. That’s one of the things I remember when I was trading is that I was always afraid of my wife finding out how I was doing. I would hide things from her. Even I don’t know if I lie to her maybe I don’t remember maybe once in a while, you know small little white lies about how I was doing. But I was doing it to protect her from having her be scared from having her get mad at me for losing more money. And then it hurt. Right, It bothered me it. It took me longer to get better as a trader because of that. But once she became on my side once she once she decided and once she saw that I really wanted to make this happen.

And I was serious. And I was committed. I was working hard at it. Then she came aboard and she got on my side and she started helping me she’s like, What can I do to help you? And there are certain things that we have in our programs, where we teach people like here this is how you can use an accountability partner. This is how you can get your spouse or child or whatever, to help you become a better trader. And that’s what she did with me. That’s where I learned all that stuff. Right? So she started helping me every single day to become a better trader and together as a team. We did amazing and now you know it’s come full circle and she wants to trade. I taught her when we were on that trip right on the vacation I told you about we were in the car, and when we got to our destination, we were there for a couple of weeks.

And one of these you says, hey, you know, teach me how to do this, this trade that you’re doing this new trade, I’m gonna go there cool. And we sat down, we figured it out, and I showed her how to do it. And she loves it. Right? So she understands it, and she’s going to be doing it too. So we’re actually going to be trading together we’ve done in the past, but didn’t really, you know, she got busy and stuff. And now we’re going to be doing it again. So it’s exciting. It’s fun, right? It’s something that a family can do together, because they’re I’m going to be we’re gonna be teaching the kids how to do this stuff, too.

Because we want their families or their futures to be secure. I don’t want them to worry about it and be like, Oh, hey, I gotta go get this job that pays a lot of money. Because I got to take care of myself. No, I want you to be able to trade to take care of yourself. So that way you can go get whatever job makes you happy, even if it doesn’t pay that much. So it all trickles down. Right. But again, that’s a different topic. I hope this helps. I hope if you have any questions, please reach out. Happy to help you again. Until the next time, trade with the odds in your favor, my friends. Take care.

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